XXX

If want to be edge, be edge,
If you dont. Then dont be.
But dont push your choice on other people.
You can have morals without claiming edge.

oi

Its my life & i'll live it the way I want. So stay the fuck out.

& so it all comes down to this. I knew it would. I knew this was where it would end. But this is what i need.

I am officiallly insane.

Even though I know they wont. Why do i keep having the fear that everyones going to leave me.

You know those amazing people you meet?
Yeah, shes one of them.
I couldnt live without her
& I dont know how I ever did.
I cant word what impact shes had on my life.
I love her to pieces.

This photo was taken on the 28th April 2009

Beating.

This excess beating inside my head makes up for the lack of beating in my heart. It plays the offbeat base to the soundtrack of my life.



- The constant sickness I have drives how I live my life.

Nothing again.

Wanting to change. Wanting to see the better side of me.
Waiting to change. Waiting to see the better side of me.
Change of pace. Change of name. Change of thought.
Vanity is a disease.

http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/carpathian/isolation.html#1

read.
now.

Cursed

The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here,
Put in perspective I am nothing,
It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading
Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being
Just another soul spent searching for something inside,
I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust,
I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me

The chasm in my chest
Screams of resounding emptiness
I've never tasted this bitterness
I never felt this solitude, worthlessness

So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference?
Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness
So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet?
Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity'
So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty?
Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see
I might hate this world, I might hate myself
But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else

Nothing.

Craving human contact. I cannot control it.
Feelings unfamiliar. A change from my constant numbness.
Past the point of destruction. Destruction is bliss.
No feeling, no thoughts. Wasting away. Lifes short. But death is shorter.
Life after death is bliss. Destruction is bliss.

Latest post.

Havent posted in a while. I had another health scare. It never really ends. More having to wait in cold rooms. Talking to doctors that obviously got up on the wrong side of the bed that morning. Geting stabbed by needles. Drawing more blood. Lying on cold tables. Taking scans.
& again. Still nothing. It all relates back to diet. Eat more of this. Eat more of that. Less of this. Less of that. If I knew how to eat properly would I be in this mess?
I hope this is the end of this all. It takes alot of strength in my opinon to make yourself change. But thats just what I have to do. I have to listen to someone else. And not be so stubborn.Ive tried to change before and failed. So im lacking motivation. Gonna have to pull the big guns out.

Talent. Ive been pondering it lately. I havent got anything that I can do better then anyone else. I havent got anything that I can do well. I guess its stupid of me to complain. Because Im the only one that can make me develop these talents. But I dont know what to do. Photography. Everyone tries that and im sure im not going to be better then all of them. Dancing. I would litterally kill to be able to dance. But im not well enough/fit enough to train. So dancings out of the question. Singing? BAH! Dying cows sound BETTER then me. Ill find something. And Ill make it me.

Till then ill just have fun being me.
Which as a matter of fact is pretty aweomse without the special talent. I like my job. I love my friends. I have a great family. Gigs are coming up. Im happy again.
I seriously have the most amazing people in my life that I am so thankful for.
It makes me teary just thinking about those amazing people and how much they are there for me. Words cant even express how I feel about them.

Thats enough now.
xoxo

Notes about Nothing.

Well tomorrow Im getting my hair redone. I want it to be mega blonde. Ill have to see how it turns out. I got my hair cut short and i have a fringe now. It used to be long and well, fringeless. I decided i needed a new change. After id gotten over being sick. I stepped back and looked at myself. I felt like a new person. But i still looked like the same old rachael. So i cut it off and im dying it tomorrow. I know its a little, well i dont know what the word is. I guess with a new look on life i need a new look myself.

Also this week Im heading to the doctors again. I have to get a follow up blood test. See if all the hard work ive put in has payed off. I hope it has. When i was sick it was the lowest part of my life. I had hit rock bottom and i had pretty much destroyed my life. And it was pretty much my fault. During this time i grew apart from some people, got really depressed and emotional and i was really confused. After weeks of hardwork and refelection Im back to my self again. I havent been myself for at least 6 months, maybe more. When i look at it. Ive never seen life this way before. So maybe id never really been "me". During this time,as i said, i did alot of reflection. I used to wonder why i wasnt jumping out of bed in the morning? Why wasnt each day more exciting then the last? Life is what you make of it was the conclusion i reached. I have to make my life more exiciting . I have to be happy with what i have and stop wanting more. I was the one that was bringing myself down. And when you realise that, thats the first step to becoming a better person.

I gained a new sense of confidence. I saw myself in a different light. I was ready to take on the world again. I accepted my flaws. And i didnt try to hide them.
Accepting your flaws is a hard thing to do. I can be really weak and insecure. I get so anxious about things , i have ocd and i have alot of fears. Being outdoors at night for example. I got really down about my flaws at one point. Then i stepped back and realised. Even though i have these flaws , im still surrounded by people that love me for me. Everyone has flaws. Theres no two ways about it. Life would be boring if we were all perfect. Our flaws are what makes us unique. Perfection is fucked anyways.

Be who you are. Not who you think everyone else wants you to be.

Realisation

I just realised that my life lately is just one big realisation. Im having realisation after realisation about various aspects of my life.

" The realisation I still don't know what I'm doing here,
Put in perspective I am nothing. "

Fresh Start

I really have had a fresh start.
09 has brought along a new me
It took a few hard times to make me realise.
Life is what you make of it
and you are what you make of yourself.
So ive started a few things.
Going out more, exercising, reading, thinking positively all the time, being happy, being more confident in who i am , working on changing bad habits and just generally trying to make a better life for myself.
I'm happy with the way things are going .
I just hope i stick to it.
I want to be happy,
I want to love life and jump out of bed every morning,
That isnt going to happen if i just sit on my arse not making any changes.
With hard work comes good rewards.
I think being happy is a good reward don't you?

Motivation & Determination

I've now decided to take on a new hobby.
Exercising.
Anyone that knows me would probably laugh at that,
But I am going to stick to it.
Because I have my own personal motivation.
And no, I'm not going to tell you what it is.
Ive taken a few things about myself,
that Im not too happy with
And im changing them
One thing ive never been happy with is how fit I am.
I need to change that
& I am going to.
Good diet, exercise.
I have motivation and determination.
Life is what you make it.
And you are what you make of yourself.

Searching....

I stopped and looked around me.
My friends (who are all within a few years of my age.)
Have all seemed to start this process of "searching"
Searching for what ? you might ask.
The answer.
Themselves.
Of course everyone is at different stages.
From just begining to almost finishing.
I like to think im in the middle.
Ive come along way from who i used to be, and how i used to think.
But ive still got a long way to go.
I'm not angry at that fact.
More excited.
I can't wait to see what this year has to bring me
And i hope by the end of it
I am more sure of who i am.
And where im going.
And to the rest of you out there who are like me
I wish you good luck.

From 2008 til present.

So there was me 14 and never been kissed at the start of 2008. Waiting to go back to school to start year 10. I was on the surface "shy", but really i just had no self confidence. I felt like I was beneath everyone, everyone was better then me. In my eyes I wasn't pretty, or perfect or every guys dream girl. I didnt have a personality that made everyone drawn to me. I didnt have the brightest smile. I didnt have any overwhelming great talent. So i thought i was a dud. Plain, boring. I kept to myself. I had a group of mates. And i rarely ever ventured out of this group. Because i had the theory that they liked me for me and no one else would. I didnt wanna show off who i was to anyone else. I had problem with looking people in the eye. I had to check myself in the mirror every three second to make sure there wasnt a hair out of place. Growing up ive had alot of pressure to be my best. Hence i felt like i should look my best.
I dont know what to blame for the terrible way i looked at myself . And frankly. the old me would of found someone or something blame.
" I was teased when i was little" or something like that.
But im not going to blame anyone any more.

A big thing for me this year was boys. I had three boyfriends. The first one lasted 3 days, it was kind of a yeah, ok. lets go out. I dont really know you , lets break up kinda thing.
The next boy, well lets just say he wasnt the best introduction to a potentialy serious boyfriend.
& at the time caused alot of pain.
The next boy, is someone ill never forget
He knows who he is, and why ill never forget him.
I had all the intention to write down everything that happened between me and this boy,
but ive only just finally let go and i dont feel like i need to tell you.
You dont need to know, I dont need your sympathy.
So whats the point?
Im ready to move on from everything thats happened.
Im looking for that guy that makes me laugh, makes me smile. And someone i can really trust.
But isnt every girl?
I dont know what 2009 will bring in the boy department, but what ever it does.
Im ready.
Im ready to leave 2008 behind in that respect.


Also in 2008, my dog of 19 years passed away. That was really hard on everyone. He had been there every single day of our lives. Ever since I was born. He was just like another member of the family. I dont think ive come to terms with it yet. When ever i start to think about it. I block it out becuase i know it will cause pain. Im not sure if ill ever accept it? or cry about it again?
but i know that i havent let go completely.
I have a habit of holding on for too long.

Sickness. In 2008 there was various sickness. My brother, my dad , my mum and my sister all got sick in some way or another.
I got really sick. It was one of the lowest parts of my life.
After years of a bad diet. I got to the point where i had no iron in my blood and i couldnt function normally. I lost the ability to work, move and even at one point walk. It was a low time for me becuase at the same time i was also dealing with another really painful situation.
For weeks at a time i would just sit there every night and just cry.
After id felt sick or had an another arguement with him or her.
I was so upset. Depressed. I couldnt control what i was doing.
Id ask the same questions over and over again.
I just give up on what ever i was doing.
I would complain like nones business.
I lost my will to go out.
To get ready.
To help myself.
At this point i was emotional as all hell. And i was so sick. But i didnt know why.
When i found out it was my fault.
I lost it.
I couldnt take it.
I was going to make a big deal about it and such, as the old me would do.
But i stepped back and was like no.
Im not going to be how i was before.
I can do this.
So i " hardened the fuck up" and got on with it.
I am still not completely well. But i am a hell of a lot better.
I look and feel better.
And this event is what inspired my greatest change:

Ive only lately come to terms with who I am. Im no longer who i thought i was at the start of the year. Im a hell of a lot more confident. Ive gone out there and made friends. Ive stopped making excuses about why i wont go out here or do this with this person. Im sick of not helping myself. I used to have a habit of making my life worse for myself. But now. Not anymore. Im only helping myself. Im not making the worse out of a situation as i used to do. Im seeing the positive. Especially in myself.
People have said to me " oh you're gorgeous"
or " your like perfect!"
for so long. id look in the mirror. and just go. wtf are they talking about?
but lately ive stepped back and realised.
hey yeah i am tall and thin and blonde.
some people would kill for that.
I am me.
I dont need to dress it up.
People like me for me.
and ive only just realised that.
I am a nice, honest helpful person,
And "I am seeing in me now. The things you swore you saw yourself"
Thank you everyone who believed in me when i never did.
And now im starting to. And im not ashmed to say that.
I cant wait to get into this year.
And think about the amazing people ill meet,
the amazing things ill do.
With my new found attitude.
Life really is a gift.
As many of us have at some point. I used to wonder the point of life?
Why wasnt each and everyday exciting! better then the last! Why wasnt i jumping out of bed every morning ready to greet the new day!
Then i realised.



Life is what you make of it.