& so it all comes down to this. I knew it would. I knew this was where it would end. But this is what i need.

I am officiallly insane.

Even though I know they wont. Why do i keep having the fear that everyones going to leave me.

You know those amazing people you meet?
Yeah, shes one of them.
I couldnt live without her
& I dont know how I ever did.
I cant word what impact shes had on my life.
I love her to pieces.

This photo was taken on the 28th April 2009

Beating.

This excess beating inside my head makes up for the lack of beating in my heart. It plays the offbeat base to the soundtrack of my life.



- The constant sickness I have drives how I live my life.

Nothing again.

Wanting to change. Wanting to see the better side of me.
Waiting to change. Waiting to see the better side of me.
Change of pace. Change of name. Change of thought.
Vanity is a disease.

http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/carpathian/isolation.html#1

read.
now.

Cursed

The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here,
Put in perspective I am nothing,
It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading
Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being
Just another soul spent searching for something inside,
I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust,
I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me

The chasm in my chest
Screams of resounding emptiness
I've never tasted this bitterness
I never felt this solitude, worthlessness

So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference?
Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness
So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet?
Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity'
So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty?
Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see
I might hate this world, I might hate myself
But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else

Nothing.

Craving human contact. I cannot control it.
Feelings unfamiliar. A change from my constant numbness.
Past the point of destruction. Destruction is bliss.
No feeling, no thoughts. Wasting away. Lifes short. But death is shorter.
Life after death is bliss. Destruction is bliss.

Latest post.

Havent posted in a while. I had another health scare. It never really ends. More having to wait in cold rooms. Talking to doctors that obviously got up on the wrong side of the bed that morning. Geting stabbed by needles. Drawing more blood. Lying on cold tables. Taking scans.
& again. Still nothing. It all relates back to diet. Eat more of this. Eat more of that. Less of this. Less of that. If I knew how to eat properly would I be in this mess?
I hope this is the end of this all. It takes alot of strength in my opinon to make yourself change. But thats just what I have to do. I have to listen to someone else. And not be so stubborn.Ive tried to change before and failed. So im lacking motivation. Gonna have to pull the big guns out.

Talent. Ive been pondering it lately. I havent got anything that I can do better then anyone else. I havent got anything that I can do well. I guess its stupid of me to complain. Because Im the only one that can make me develop these talents. But I dont know what to do. Photography. Everyone tries that and im sure im not going to be better then all of them. Dancing. I would litterally kill to be able to dance. But im not well enough/fit enough to train. So dancings out of the question. Singing? BAH! Dying cows sound BETTER then me. Ill find something. And Ill make it me.

Till then ill just have fun being me.
Which as a matter of fact is pretty aweomse without the special talent. I like my job. I love my friends. I have a great family. Gigs are coming up. Im happy again.
I seriously have the most amazing people in my life that I am so thankful for.
It makes me teary just thinking about those amazing people and how much they are there for me. Words cant even express how I feel about them.

Thats enough now.
xoxo